If I Ever Fall in Love Again…

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If I Ever Fall in Love Again…

Amidst the funk of all this talk of lube and tongues and fingers and fucks without boundaries, is there room for love and cuddling and evenings without orgasms?

But just so we don’t collapse sex bloggers into the one-dimensional, one-track-minded, bitter sex fiends that we are assumed to be, let me tell you what love looks like for me, without the details of our genitalia. Let’s begin with the woman I might fall for. She’s fierce, and funny and smart and so easy in her skin that she makes me forget that I am sometimes awkward and insecure and needy and prone to shutting down when I am scared.

She has her own life, but she cares about what happens in mine. She is able to say no to me, without making me feel bad for having asked. She thinks I am amazing, even when I am in my jammies. She reads all my blogs and tells me when she thinks I am bullshitting. In the wake of this Amazon Goddess of practicality and compassion, I am reduced to creating cliché nicknames that make us a pair. She’s is the Thelma to my Louise, the Mutt to my Jeff, the Tom to my Jerry, etc.

There are walks in the park, road trips to the Grand Canyon and risky visits to my home in Jamaica. She holds me when I am missing my dead grandmother, or Montego Bay, so much I cannot sleep. She picks me up from the bathroom floor when I am reeling from my mother’s unkind comments, or from the racism that renders me invisible in America.

She is present, and supportive, even when I cannot see anything in myself to admire. In turn, she allows me to gather her old wounds and dress them when they flare up. She is not afraid to fall apart in my arms. If she needs me, she is able to articulate it, and if for some reason she cannot, her eyes will tell me that I need to drop whatever the fuck I am doing and go get my girl. She likes sushi. And fresh-squeezed orange juice. She likes showering with me. She loves babies. And old women. And books. She adores a well-told story. And she loves a good tumble in the proverbial hay as much as me.

She is not afraid of dirty words and risqué misadventures in the boudoir. She fucks like a Mack truck when it is called for and she can whisper words in a language only she and I understand. We can do it anywhere. She’s game. On a plane, in the backseat of my car, in the elevator, in our parents’ bed — laughter is the staple of our romance.

And a close second is good sex. We both know that nothing is promised, but we promise each other the world anyway. We are willing to risk being wrong on forever. These are the things that I do not say when I choose to write about the details of my exploratory humping. But just like every dyke in the book, what you see is only a small sliver of the tale. And I have to admit that, yes, all the escapades are true — a few specifics are tweaked to protect the innocent, but don’t mistake what you see here as the whole of all our truths. Don’t be fooled by the pen. We are much, much more than these racy accounts designed to help you survive the mind-numbingly corporate afternoons.

(Staceyann Chin is the author of The Other side of Paradies: A Memoir)



Comments [17]

annette143's picture

Staceyann's post

I like what you say you are looking for. it is honest. I say, hold out for your ideal.

This bit wisdom came from a woman I wanted to go out with:

"Don't ever give something to someone you may later decide to take it away"

i.m.o. easing into a relationship that way would save a lot of broken hearts.

 

grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.

clueless in Seattle's picture

Alone (posted wrong place-meant for response to C4Lady)

I do agree with your hypothesis about the recurring theme of "vulnerability" throughout both posts. The idea of being alone is so scary for some, and for others it's needed, but sais nothing about how they feel about that other person.

Too many times I find that as women we often link our own identity to the words that someone else speaks. Relaxing indeed, giving one another time and space to be a whole person can be a powerful way to create a relationships.

In fact, I have had too  many experiences of walking on eggshells around someone dependant on me to meet the emotional needs that should have been met in thier childhood. Not to say that I don't have my own that don't require weekly therapy..lol, but it's not my partners job to fix it. Either way, there needs to be good balance between the comic book hero and vulnerable cuddly cutie in the story of true love! If there is "true" love.

 Whatever or whomever I meet, I just want to be strong enough to hold onto who I am and give that person space to be who they are in the relationship. And like I said, I like to laugh, live and enjoy life, it's way too short, don't you agree?

Btw-I wouldn't sell yourself short of a "wordsmith." I enjoyed reading your response.

Seriously, Really?

c4lady's picture

Couple things….. -- I think

Couple things…..

-- I think all of us at some point in our lives could make a therapist extremely rich chit-chating about our relationships…..

-- Eggshells should never be in a relationship……period!!!

-- Finding balance is a daily exercise and will only get better with practice….

-- I have to believe that one can find true love all without having to lose oneself – June Cleaver is not a becoming look on me…

-- not to belabor the point anymore about finding your true love but I have this theory that every person that you have had a relationship with was the true love for that period……with growth comes changes

-- you sound strong enough and certainly not clueless…..

-- And as for life being too short...yes it is. Way, way too short not to be living, laughing, (oh crap as I wrote that I heard that annoying L word theme song in my head) dancing and having your fav cocktail of choice…..

 ….and I could keep going with my thoughts on this topic but I will stop now otherwise we could be here forever ‘discussing’.

Anyway, glad you enjoyed reading the response it’s not my nature to respond to posts…..i am more of the observer (or is it lurker) type unless compelled to speak up and I certainly felt the need to acknowledge your response…so big ups to you on your journey to finding her…..cheers I am off to my corner to hide again….at least until I feel compelled to talk again Smile

c4lady's picture

wrong place

!!

clueless in Seattle's picture

Finding Her

She must be a figment of my imagination. But I gotta be me..hmmm..maybe i'll just settle for compromise..she's gotta be herself too..any thoughts? Are my standards crazy high?

Either way, won't be searching too hard..way to busy. 

 

Seriously, Really?

annette143's picture

finding her

quoting Janis Joplin: "don't compromise yourself, it's all you got"

for one thing, having sex can be a death sentence.

I for one am not willing to contract a disease that outlasts the relationship.

My other thought is, if I have settled for someone who is safe but not exciting

and then I meet the Real Ms Right, someone is going to get hurt.

 

 

grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.

Not2Taem's picture

If you find her,

can we share?

deedee's picture

Yeah

Good Luck

alicetullyhall's picture

At this point...

I just don't care.  I just want to get laid.  Then, maybe, I can think clearly.

alice tully-hall

Robin Rigby's picture

Really?

How you doin'?

alicetullyhall's picture

Yes, really!!

I would guess I am not doing too well!  Whaddya think?

alice tully-hall

Robin Rigby's picture

I must be losing my touch.

I must be losing my touch.  I'm going to have to work on that.  My Joey Tribiani imitation usually gets 'em every time. Sad

Edited for my crappy typing tonight. 

clueless in Seattle's picture

Seriously

The person you are describing might exist, they might not, but there were so many things that rang true for me and my preferences. The many imperfections we try to hide when we are first dating should be laid out in such a manner as you displayed.

To love and be loved. What does this mean to me? I need a woman, yet I hate to be needed more then I can handle. I have been described by lovers as a freebird, boobie loving, independant knowledge seeker..who loves to fuck! If I want a tattoo on my face, I will get one. Where do you draw the line between commitment and freedom?

The danger in relationships for me is being smothered. I don't like to feel responsible for someone elses emotional capacity, yet my heart is so big I can't keep it contained. I do care, I do love, but I need space. You might think of me as an L-word Shayne, without the promiscuity. I don't like to fuck around. But I love the strip club. I can't be with a jealous person, but I do care what is going on with them and will stand by thier side in hard times.

Is this a human impossibility for mating? Maybe, but there it is. I like space. Is this a flaw? Is this taboo? I will never be driving up with a U-Haul, but I will definitely find time to make her feel special.

 

So to follow your lead, here she is.

 

She is strong, funny, intelligent, so confident that she makes me feel insecure at times, she's sarcastic, independant, and loves to try new things. She's tolerant of the bluntness of a Saggitarious, okay with looking and acknowledging beautiful women with me, she loves sushi, and she loves to go dancing.

My girl wants to talk theoretically about cultural politics and social structures that discriminate and marginalize. She beleives that one person can make a change by starting with thier own life. She supports my heavy heart for injustice and will use her life to speak out about it in any fashion.

She will argue and debate with me without doubting my love her. She will push back when I am too strong. She will never say never and live in the moment.

She loves to watch funny movies and laugh until she cries. She is not afraid to love difference and embrace change. She loves Mexican food, Thai food, and will eat a good bowl of Pho with me. She will give my friends a chance regardless of thier political orientation.

I love a girl that stands in front of the mirror and sais, "I'm sexy!" She defines beauty in her own way. She loves to talk dirty in the bedroom and fuck until she drops. She owns her style!

She is okay with the fact that I will always be in school and studying hard. Money is secondary in the relationship.

 

Again, is this a human impossibility? We are all flawed and find it impossible to trust at times. We all feel fear and hurt to the point of crumbling and many of us have Daddy issues. So who is out there that can handle me?

Sincerely,

Laying it all out.

 

Seriously, Really?

c4lady's picture

The best

This has got to be the best response ever to a post........wicked as we say in Jamaica

clueless in Seattle's picture

Venting

"Wicked" nice compliment. Like that. Just layin it all out as I said. I guess you could say I know myself and self-reflect a bit..lol..What would your response to the post be?

Seriously, Really?

c4lady's picture

hmmm....

I am not a wordsmith as you guys are….I think you and Stacyann have described who this person called “love” is well enough for all of us girls out there who are independent and secure enough to recognize a good thing (i.e. the other person) when in a relationship and who in turn aren’t limited by the boundaries of insecurities (aka fear) when it does rare its ugly head……

I do think though that underneath this search for said lover the recurring theme being described by you both is vulnerability. It is one of those traits that I think us as humans are afraid to show to others and worse, ourselves. Recognizing that the world will not end when you are vulnerable and that invincibility only exists in comic books will lead you to be a whole lot more confident with yourself and more importantly with the love that is entering into your life…….…failing that people just need to relax and enjoy life and seriously figure out how to be ok with themselves (aka alone)..….i suggest a visit to any place where you can pamper your body….and mind. cheers

Not2Taem's picture

Reading you both

and loving this conversation.

Here's to being, loving, and knowing ourselves and our loves.